A strong, healthy, godly marriage does not happen by accident. It is built—on salvation, holiness, wisdom, community, and practical preparation. This guide will help you date right, and build a solid foundation that honors God and prepares you for a joyful, Christ‑centered marriage.
1. Be Genuinely Saved by Jesus and Born Again
Your salvation is the foundation of your future marriage. Without a transformed heart, you cannot love sacrificially, forgive consistently, or lead biblically as a husband or submit biblically as a wife.
John 3:3 “Truly, truly, I say to you, unless one is born again he cannot see the kingdom of God.”
2 Corinthians 5:17 “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.”
Romans 10:9 “If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.”
2. Live a Daily Lifestyle of Biblical Holiness to God
Holiness is not perfection; it is daily obedience to God. It shapes your character, your desires, and your readiness for marriage.
Holiness is a daily lifestyle of pleasing God in your thoughts, habits, decisions, and relationships.
1 Peter 1:15–16 “But as he who called you is holy, you also be holy in all your conduct, since it is written, ‘You shall be holy, for I am holy.’”
Hebrews 12:14 “Strive for peace with everyone, and for the holiness without which no one will see the Lord.”
Romans 12:1–2 (ESV) “…present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God… Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind…”
3. Be Actively Engaged in a Holy, Bible‑Practicing Community
You grow best in a community that practices salvation, holiness, accountability, and discipleship.
Be plugged in and actively engaged in a community of people preaching and practicing salvation and biblical holiness to God.
Hebrews 10:24–25 “…not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another…”
Proverbs 13:20 “Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise…”
Acts 2:42 “And they devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching and the fellowship…”
4. Avoid Sex Before and Outside Marriage
Sexual purity protects your heart, your future marriage, and your walk with God.
Hebrews 13:4 “Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.”
1 Corinthians 6:18 “Flee from sexual immorality…”
1 Thessalonians 4:3–4 “For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality…”
5. Start Preparing Practically for Marriage
Marriage requires spiritual maturity and practical skills.
1 Corinthians 7:33 “But the married man is anxious about worldly things, how to please his wife.”
1 Corinthians 7:34 “…But the married woman is anxious about worldly things, how to please her husband.”
For Men: Start Learning How to Love and Please Your Wife
Ephesians 5:25 “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.”
Ephesians 5:28 “In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies.”
1 Peter 3:7 “…live with your wives in an understanding way…”
For example, practical preparation includes learning how to:
- Truly LOVE your wife, as instructed in Ephesians 5:25-30
- Truly listen to your wife
- Start building emotional maturity
- Lead your wife and your home gently, boldly yet sacrificially, just like Christ
- Give her your focused attention
- Build emotional and spiritual strength
- Practice excellent hygiene and discipline
- Please your wife practically and consistently
For Women: Start Learning How to Submit to and Support Your Husband
Ephesians 5:22–24 “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord… Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.”
Proverbs 31:10 “An excellent wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels.”
1 Peter 3:1–4 “…be subject to your own husbands… let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit…”
For example, practical preparation includes learning how to:
- Truly SUBMIT to your husband, as instructed in Ephesians 5:22-24
- Respect him deeply
- Start building emotional maturity
- Become a true help meet
- Become the godly wife and mother God has called you to be in your home
- Practice excellent hygiene and discipline
- Please your husband practically and consistently
Financial Preparation
Both men and women must have a steady source of sustainable income and build wise financial habits.
2 Thessalonians 3:10 “If anyone is not willing to work, let him not eat.”
Ecclesiastes 10:19 “A feast is made for laughter, and wine maketh merry: but money answereth all things.”
Proverbs 14:23 “In all toil there is profit, but mere talk tends only to poverty.”
1 Timothy 5:8 “…if anyone does not provide for his relatives… he has denied the faith…”
Proverbs 31:16 “She considers a field and buys it; with the fruit of her hands she plants a vineyard.”
Proverbs 21:20 “Precious treasure and oil are in a wise man’s dwelling, but a foolish man devours it.”
6. Prepare Your List of What You Want in a Spouse
Your list keeps you focused, prayerful, and effective—so you don’t waste your time or anyone else’s.
Sample List – For Men: “My Ideal Wife”
Dealbreakers:
- Genuinely saved by Jesus and born again
- Living a daily lifestyle of biblical holiness to God (that is, pleasing God daily)
- Preparing to practically please her future husband
- Have a steady source of sustainable, stable income
- No life‑threatening or family‑threatening health issues
- No negative issues that can creep up from her past – background, family, extended family, past behaviors, mental health issues, etc.
Optional:
- Physical appearance – facial features, body structure, body frame, height, etc.
- Age range
- Tribe, race, ethnicity preferences
- Education level
Sample List – For Women: “My Ideal Husband”
Dealbreakers:
- Genuinely saved by Jesus and born again
- Living a daily lifestyle of biblical holiness to God (that is, pleasing God daily)
- Preparing to practically please his future wife
- Have a steady source of sustainable, stable income
- No life‑threatening or family‑threatening health issues
- No negative issues that can creep up from her past – background, family, extended family, past behaviors, mental health issues, etc.
Optional:
- Physical appearance – facial features, body structure, body frame, height, etc.
- Age range
- Tribe, race, ethnicity preferences
- Education level
Habakkuk 2:2 “Write the vision; make it plain on tablets, so he may run who reads it.”
Luke 14:28 “For which of you, desiring to build a tower, does not first sit down and count the cost, whether he has enough to complete it?”
Proverbs 21:5 “The plans of the diligent lead surely to abundance, but everyone who is hasty comes only to poverty.”
7. Prayerfully and Patiently Look for Your Spouse
Start seeking your spouse with prayer and patience, but remain firmly planted in a community that lives out salvation and genuine biblical holiness.”
Proverbs 14:12 “There is a way that seems right to a man, but its end is the way to death.”
Proverbs 3:5–6 “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.”
Psalm 37:4–5 “Delight thyself also in the Lord: and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart. Commit thy way unto the Lord; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass.”
8. Vet Every Potential Spouse Thoroughly
Whenever you identify someone as a potential spouse, evaluate them thoroughly with your list, take them to God in prayer, and use this guide to determine whether to continue the conversation or end it.
1 John 4:1 “Beloved, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God, for many false prophets have gone out into the world.”
Matthew 7:16 “You will recognize them by their fruits. Are grapes gathered from thornbushes, or figs from thistles?”
Proverbs 20:11 “Even a child makes himself known by his acts, by whether his conduct is pure and upright.”
Proverbs 27:12 “The prudent sees danger and hides himself, but the simple go on and suffer for it.”
9. Again—Be Saved by Jesus and Living A Lifestyle of Holiness to God
Living a holy life, for example, means:
- No sex before or outside marriage – Hebrews 13:4 “Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.”
- No stubborn or hard heart – Ezekiel 36:26 “I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; I will take the heart of stone out of your flesh and give you a heart of flesh.”
- No insisting on your own way – Philippians 2:3–4 “Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others.”
- No lying tongue – Ephesians 4:25 “Therefore, putting away lying, ‘Let each one of you speak truth with his neighbor,’ for we are members of one another.”
- No cruel or unkind behavior – Colossians 3:12-13 “Therefore, as the elect of God… put on tender mercies, kindness, humility, meekness, longsuffering; bearing with one another, and forgiving one another…”
- And so on
10. Courtship: A Time of Deep Discovery
Once you find someone who could genuinely be your future spouse, begin the courtship process.
- Courtship is a time to know each other’s past and present life, secular and Christian experiences and future spiritual and life aspirations. This is when you deal with any possible areas of friction and misunderstanding that could arise now or in the future.
- A long courtship is not encouraged because it generally runs into difficulties and often leads to a break of relationship. Six to nine months should be the maximum courtship period.
Courtship is practical, purposeful, and focused on evaluating for marriage.
Courtship is when you thoroughly discuss practical topics which could pose problems in the marriage. For example, topics to discuss include:
- Salvation, holiness, and other Christian experiences
- Each person’s expectations of an ideal spouse
- Discuss Ephesians 5:22-33. What do the verses mean to each of you? Give examples.
- Money management in the home
- Immigration challenges, if any
- Financial habits and history; any loans, debts, credit history
- Extended family and future in-laws
- Goals, values, dreams, aspirations – both present and future
- Pet peeves, likes and dislikes
- Work–family balance
- Kids, number of kids, parenting styles
- Working for God and caring for the home
- Career and marriage
- Fashion, faith, friends
- Past relationships, marriages or entanglements
- Views on divorce
- How to resolve disagreements when they come up
- Things or situations that could hurt the marriage, both now and in the future; and how to avoid them
- How you are both practically preparing for marriage
- And so on
Amos 3:3 “Can two walk together, except they be agreed?”
If two people do not agree on the fundamentals of life, faith, values, and goals, they cannot walk together for long.
Proverbs 20:5 “The purpose in a man’s heart is like deep water, but a man of understanding will draw it out.”
11. Once Aligned, Take the Steps to Get Married
Once these topics have been fully discussed and you both feel well aligned for the journey of marriage, take the necessary steps to get legally married according to your local laws.
Romans 13:1 “Let every person be subject to the governing authorities. For there is no authority except from God, and those that exist have been instituted by God.”
Ecclesiastes 4:9 “Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labour.”
12. After the Wedding: Build Your New Home With God’s Patience and Grace
After the wedding, you will both continue learning new things and a lot about each other and adjusting to your new life together.
Learn to be patient with each other, give each other lots of grace, and forgive quickly and easily.
Hold tight to your salvation experience, and deepen your daily lifestyle of biblical holiness to God in your actions and habits. You will need these practices throughout your entire marriage, but especially in your first year as you both adjust and build this new home under God.
Colossians 3:12–14 “…put on compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience… and above all these put on love…”
Ephesians 4:2–3 “…with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love…”
1 Corinthians 13:4–7 “Love is patient and kind… it bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.”
13. In All Things, Be Moderate and Modest
In all you do, be moderate and modest.
Philippians 4:5 “Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand.”
God bless you and keep you in Jesus name! Amen.